Saturday, December 7, 2013

I am now an IT guy. This should be interesting

Hello hello, boys and girls of every age and of every nation. Welcome back to Gileum's Intertubes Experience!

I will be your host, Gileum, as we delve into the world of a Retail store IT guy.

My new job is great. It pays much better than my last job, the people I work with are great. Everyone is super friendly and helpful. There's no stress. I love it. And I get to work on computers, something I have been doing since I was like....5.

However, being an IT guy comes with it's fair share of dumb people. is a lovely example of all the stupid people IT guys (and gals) deal with. I bring to you tonight (or whenever) some of these stories I have had first hand.

My friends tell me as I recant these tales to start a blog! My only rebuttal is that by the end of a single night, I have SO many dumb stories that I literally cannot remember them all. But I will do my best now to bring them to you!

To start, below is a list of frequently asked questions. As well as some frequently uttered statements....If you or a loved one has heard (or asked) one of these before, I am deeply sorry and offer my sincerest condolences...


1. "I need a (brand) (device) to work with my (same brand) computer"

No you do not. If you have a Dell desktop, you can connect an HP monitor to it. The differing brands will not duke it out in a cyber-space duel to the death because they are not the same.

2. "Will this work on my (brand) computer?" As they show me a flash drive.

Yes. Its a USB drive. Universal. Serial. Bus. The operative word being UNIVERSAL. If your computer has an accepting port for this end of the plug, your device WILL work on it.

3. "How do I know if I have a USB port on my computer?"

Is your computer older than 20 some-ought years? No? Then you have USB ports. I've yet to have someone come in with a computer that does not have USB ports, but the day someone shows me their their old Caleco Vision, that's the day I will stand corrected.

4. "I need to buy a new router. Which one do I need?" "How fast is your current internet?" "uhhhhhhhhhh........."

I simply cannot diagnose which router you need based on that response. Your internet speed will only be as fast as your slowest source. For instance (these numbers are not accurate and purely so its easy to understand), if you have a model that provides you with 1000 megabytes per second, and have your devices connected through a router that only works at 500 megabytes per second, you will only get a maximum of 500 MBPS on your devices.

 Likewise, if your Modem only provides 500 MBPS, and your router is 1000 MBPS, you will still only get the 500 MBPS your modem has to offer. Without an idea of your internet speed, I cant do jack shit for you other than offer you a router that is clearly overkill just to be safe.

5. "We just got a new (wifi device) and ever since then, the internet keeps going off." (This is a bit of a long one but requires an explanation)

Once again, how fast is your internet? What service do you pay for? Furthermore, HOW MANY DEVICES ARE ON YOUR NETWORK?! If you answered "The most basic internet from (service provider)" and "(More than 5 devices)" Then you need to do one of two things. Turn off some of your wifi enabled devices. Or get faster/stronger internet.

Why do people think that the internet is like...infinite? You are paying for a certain AMOUNT of data to be transferred to your computer at any given time. It's like a well. If you have to many people drinking from the well at the same time, the well will run dry and you have no more Candy Crush. If you pay for a bigger well, you will have more data to draw from! It's that simple. "The most basic internet" is not a measurement of the services you can perform on it. It's a measurement of how MUCH of those services you can do on it.

You need a dual-band router/modem if you have more than 5 devices. Dual-band is more or less a beefier router to help balance your internet usage. I wont get into the technicals of it, but for the layman, thats all you need to know. "Devices" meaning ANYTHING that uses wifi.

To put this in perspective: In my house, I have my desktop, my mom's laptop, my brother's laptop, 3 smartphones, my brother's Xbox, my PS3, my mom's tablet, and a little Netflix/Multimedia box on the living room TV. That's TEN devices. "We only have 2 laptops" does not count. What else ya got? And I pay for Fios Quantum. It's one of the fastest internet services out there with a pretty good router/modem combo to boot. And I STILL experience low bandwidth from time to time. Ladies and gentlemen, for internet accordingly to how many devices you plan to leave idling on your wifi at any given time....

6. "I don't want a wireless printer. It's too hard. What printers are not wireless?"

None of them, anymore. Almost EVERY printer now is wireless. However, even after I explain that you CAN still manually wire the printer to your computer, they give me a dirty look and a dismissive wave of the hand and tell me they dont want any of that junk.

I don't think you understood me. You CAN still wire it like a wired printer, just like you said you wanted. it just comes with the OPTION of being wirele- No? S-still....Still no? You want an EXCLUSIVELY wired printer that is devoid of any wireless functionality? Allow me to direct you to this quaint little antique shop I know of that has this lovely little dot-matrix printer they've been trying to get rid of....

7. "If someone sends me a link to a video...can my computer watch that video? Do I just go to dubaya dubaya dubaya dot...blah blah blah.....and it will be there? Or do I need to buy something extra to watch movies on my computer?"

I cant even begin to explain the things wrong with this statement. If someone sends you a link, you just click on it. You don't have to type in the whole URL. You do not need a VCR or cable box to watch movies on your computer. I would try and explain that some videos once downloaded require certain codecs or drivers, but for the sake of not exploding their brain with techno mumbo jumbo like "Update your video media player" I usually just tell them "You don't need anything special. Just click on it. It will play."

I'm starting to think desktops are too complicated for these people. It might be time for something simpler, like a tablet. Leap Frog makes these wonderful little gadgets that even children can figure out!

8. "What ink cartridge do I need?" "Whats the brand and model of your printer? I can look it up and tell you the cartridge you want." "Uhhhhhhh.........."

Once again, I cant do very much with "uuhhhhhh" as your answer. If you don't have the cartridge number, thats fine. I can look up the printer and tell you what it uses. If you don't have the model of your printer, I cant do jack shit! "Well I know it's an HP...." This does not help either. Mother fucker, are you aware of how many printers there are? And how many different INKS their are?

Telling me just your brand, and nothing else, is still basically useless. It would be like if I needed a new (important part for a car) for my Toyota. I show up to the repair shop WITHOUT my vehicle, and say "Help me replace this part." And all I can tell them in the way of tracking down which part it is, is that I drive a Toyota. "Okay? Whats the model...Camry? Corola?" Even if I knew the model, I still need the year! And there's over 2,013 of those!

This is the same as saying "I have an HP Photosmart. Cant you figure it out like that?" "Fuck no. There's like 18 HP Photosmart printers that I KNOW of. I cant possibly pinpoint your exact model on that alone."

9. "I have been having a lot of problems with my computer. It's going super slow and there's a lot of programs and toolbars I didn't ask for." "What browser do you use?" "Whats a browser?" "Like...Internet Explorer, Firefox, Chrome..." "Oh I didn't know there were others. I use Internet Explorer."

I have nothing to say to you. Burn your computer so that it may not infect the others behind our workbench.

10. "How much space is a gigabyte?"/"Will this 128 gig flash drive hold my 4 MS Word documents?"

Exactly one gigabyte. I cant really explain this any simpler. It's a file size. Like X amount of ounces makes Y amount of pounds, makes Z amount of tons. I...I cant...I cant really explain it any other way...Do you want me to measure it in crappy music you have stored on your iTunes? Or maybe in how many old vacation photos you have laying around your desktop.

That's all for now! I am sure I will be getting more and more and more (ad infinitum) stupid questions and statements....But these were the 10 most common ones. I will be posting the unique little gems I come across as they come up.

Thanks for your time and I hope you have enjoyed Gileum's Intertubes Experience...._

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Retail Bupkus 3

So there I am, sitting on my register, dutifully taking people's orders and checking them out the door as swiftly and politely as possible. I just topped off the last customer with a friendly smile, a bad pun, and a "Have a good night!" before they get out of earshot.

"Hi! How are-"

"839 - 555 - 4926"


*several beeps later*

"Your total is 46.90-"

*vicious card swipe*

*several unnecessarily hard touch-screen stabs*

"There you go! have a good-"

*they are already out the door*

FUCK that person. FUCK them sideways with a rusty spike. Fuck them, and their shitty attitude, and their shitty face, and their shitty attitude, and their inability to fucking say hello to someone. FUCK EM. You work this damn job 8 hours out of your day, till the place CLOSES, and you have to stay for TWO HOURS almost afterwards cleaning up the fucking aftermath of their piranha-like shopping spree in your store, WHICH BY THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIX THE WHOLE TIME.

The LEAST every person who comes into your store could do is fucking grant you a polite greeting. "Hi" or "Hello" or "Top o' the mornin' to ya O'Mally!"

But no. THIS person is too fucking important to even bother pretending you are another human fucking being. If you dont want any human fucking contact, why dont you rocket your stupid ass off into the goddamn vacuum of space, where no one can hear you anyways because you obviously dont have a lot to say, other than spitting your fucking phone number at me to save 12 cents on your shitty fucking pet food.

FUCK em.....F-U-C-K T-H-E-M. Fuck em. You work your ass to the bone, and yes, there IS an ass bone, and all you want is a little bit of courtesy, since no matter what kind of shithole person you have to deal with, you have to keep a shit-stained smile on and powder their ass the entire time they are in your store's walls. All you ask is for a little fucking acknowledgement that you even EXIST.

Go to the fucking self-checkout lines if they have them you shit. Oh thats right. They dont exist in my store because our focus is on CUSTOMER SERVICE, as in, kissing your ass so you'll give us fives on a random survey YOU PROBABLY WONT BOTHER FILLING OUT. Well tough noogies jerk off. You HAVE to deal with people.

What's almost as bad, maybe worse, is when you get that person who goes:

"Yeah-hi- my number is: blah blah blah blah"

They dont even give you a proper greeting. As if to say to your face "Greeting you is so unimportant to me, but I know you're expecting one, so lemme just throw it in your face like soggy socks and get to you punching in my phone number for the goddamn discount I want, that I could SKIP if I just brought my card." Yeah, the card. The one that you get THREE COPIES of? The big one for your wallet, and the two KEYCHAIN ones?

How is it with 3 copies of the same card, 2 of which are literally able to be TETHERED to your keys, the one thing that even gives you ACCESS to the store, your stupid ass manages to LOSE THEM BOTH.

Speaking of losing them, I love when I get "I left it in the car."  No you jerk off. You either DONT have one, or you didnt bother attaching it to anything. If it was in your car, that means you left your KEYS in the car. Good job locking yourself out!

Another excuse I get is "Nah dont even bother..." it takes like seriously 5 seconds to put in a phone number. But your self-righteous ass cant be bothered for that long. Then you walk away and curse under your breath about how EXPENSIVE food is when if you had just let me put in your number, you would have gotten the discount! But if youre such a jackass, then you DESERVE to pay every penny.

And what REALLY burns my biscuit is when people HAVE the card ready, and instead of letting you scan it, THEY REACH OVER THE FUCKING COUNTER AND DO IT FOR YOU!!


STOP!! JUST- PLEASE!! Mother fucker, I get to do ONE thing behind this counter, and thats scan barcodes all day. I really dont need YOU throwing off my rhythm by OBNOXIOUSLY reaching over my counter like a 4 year old eager to help your parent pay for shit at the store, AND THEN FAIL MISERABLY AT SCANNING THE FUCKER.

They dont even ever pull out the wallet sized card. Its ALWAYS the TINY card thats spposed to go on your key chain that WE'RE supposed to zap with out scan-guns. You know? You hold it up, we zap it like Captain fucking Kirk, and your discount gets applied. What the HELL are you doing rubbing it all over the conveyor belt and smacking it against the table scanner? You dont even know where the hell the laser is!! Just- STOP!!

In an attempt to make things go faster, you are just looking like a jackass and totally throwing off the cashier's rhythm of scanning and bagging!! Plus, IT TAKES MORE TIME since YOU cant figure out HOW to scan it. Just let us fucking do it! Thats OUR JOB!!! Wanna trade paychecks Mr. "I'm too busy to wait half a second for you to pick up the scanner gun?"

And I love when people tell you "Lemme get my card out...NOT LIKE IT DOES ANYTHING."

To those people, I just wanna skip the club card and give them the finger until they finish paying. They ALWAYS end up buying something stupid like...aquarium tubing pills or some shit. Items that arent usually sold very often. Items that RARELY get used or bought. So they NEVER go on sale because- DUH- No one buys them so theres no point in putting them on SALE. The point of a sale is to lower the price of an item so that more people will BUY the item in such bulk that it ends up making a profit ANYWAYS. It's a win-win baby.

So dont bitch and moan you arent saving any money on your goddamn dog collar reflector for your 4am walks in pitch darkness. You're only going to buy it ONCE so why the hell should they lower the price on it and not make the maximum amount of money on it they can for such a rarely bought item?

And even when I explain how the card works, and how the sale prices work, and the coupons you get and how much money you save, I STILL get dirty looks and unimpressed scoffs.


You are not some weird version of Kenshiro from First of the North Star. You cant go around jamming fingers into the PIN Pad's touch screen like it has fucking pressure points. ITS A SCREEN.

I love it when they JAB it with the pen after breaking their finger didnt work. I'm waiting for the day our screens BREAK from all the cranky old hags stabbing it with their bony fingers. Using the pen doesnt make it any easier, it just makes a louder clacking sound.

And guess what! I tried this! TOUCHING IT LIGHTLY YIELDS BETTER RESULTS. People seem to jump from: "It didnt register what button I pressed" to "It must be broken. Better punch the fucker." It's a touch screen! Maybe it didnt recognize your button press since you have such cold, deathly fingers. STABBING it wont fix it! It's not PERFECT. But if you just lightly touch it with the pad of your finger, it WORKS.

Oh- but GOD FORBID you tell some of these women that come through to use their finger and not their gruesomely long nails.


"Use your finger"


"Okay Methuselah...Use your fingerTIP...."



"I hate these things...they never work.."

There is just NO pleasing these people. They can fuck all and go get the grumpy out of their assholes and be at the very least a MODERATELY happy human being when coming into a business establishment and show some self fucking control when violently slashing their credit cards through the reader like they're beheading the queen, or stab the touch screen, or I dont know- STOP REACHING ACROSS THE COUNTER TO SCAN YOUR TINY LITTLE CARD AAAAUUUUUUHHHHH!!!

I need a minute.....

Monday, June 25, 2012

More retail bullshit

It's 1:40am and I'm feeling cranky, so here's more retail bullshit.

So I love it when I'm working late night, closing shift, and it's 9:30pm.

The store closed half an hour ago.

And some wing ding is knocking on the door. Our policy is that if the store is closed, no one is allowed in unless a manager gives the approval. 9 times out of 10 though, the answer is "Sorry, we're closed."

But instead of letting me just shut the sliding doors and lock them to get back to my business, fixing up all the crap these velociraptors of people left in the store while I happily rang them up for 8 hours, they inevitably stop me and say "BUT MY PET WILL STARVE."

Okay. Let me make something very clear. Animals and people for that matter, can survive without food for at LEAST a day or more. You will not starve to death in ONE day. Second, if your pet is going to starve, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A NEGLIGENT PINHEAD AND GOTTEN YOUR DOG SOME FOOD BEFORE YOU RAN COMPLETELY OUT OF IT.

Seriously. These people think they will guilt me into letting them buy food for their dog or pet or whatever by telling me how their pet will starve. Except by telling me that, all they are admitting is that they are a negligent asshole and didn't think to buy their pet some fucking food before the store closed 30 minutes ago. Seriously. It's 9:30 fucking pm. What were you doing all day? Even if you worked a job, you probably arent getting out of work at 8 or 7 or something, but probably 5pm like everyone else. So you had 4 fucking hours to get here and buy some damn food. And then, if you work a job that doesnt let out at 5, chances are you work a night shift, like I'm trying to do. No matter how you slice it, even if you get out at some weird ass time like 8:45, there should be NO reason why you cant make it here to buy food for your dog. And if you KNOW thats what time you'll be out, and you KNOW 9pm is when our store closes, why dont you THINK AHEAD and buy some food on a day you ARENT trying to sprint around from township to township to get some crappy, unhealthy dog food for your dog.

Here are some actual lines people have fed me to get into the store:

"My dog is gunna starve!"

"I just wanna get ONE more thing!"

"Can I use your bathroom? Also I really need to buy some dog food..."


"You're a terrible person if you dont let me in and buy some dog food"

"I thought you people CARED about animals, but you want MINE to starve to death?"

"You've GOTTA let me in or my dog will DIE tonight!"

And you know what the best part of all this is? By 9:30, all the registers are closed. Meaning there is literally nothing I can do, even if I let them in. If I said "Yeah! Come on in!" They'd come in, shop around, get to the register, and then be unable to do ANYTHING because they are all closed for the night. They will literally not work at all until the next morning. But no. It's YOUR fault their dog will die, because it's owner forgot to buy some food sooner and figured they could still race to the store in time after watching the American Idol finale.

Seriously people. Grow the hell up, and take some damn responsibility for your own negligence...

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Shit that happens to me 2

Well, I had a lovely morning again with Ms. Flower Delivery Lady.

Once again she called my cell and said "Hello? John Hooker?"

"Sorry ma' have me again."


Thats the conversation verbatim. I wonder if I'll get any more calls from her. She seems nice and I kinda wanna help her find this John guy.

So since that entry is a bit short, let me add to it with some other lovely observations I've noticed while working a retail job. If you've ever worked any kind of job ever, or even just went to a store of any kind, you've seen these people and it's scary...

The Paranoid Checkout Conveyor Belt Shopper:

I dont know how many times I can say it, but the conveyor belt on the register line is AUTOMATIC. IT MOVES ON IT'S OWN.

I'll be ringing someone up, and I'm rather swiftly moving their items across the table scanner and into a plastic bag, and if they are in single file, the conveyor belt will move on it's own. Theres a small sensor at the VERY end that detects when it is being blocked. If anything passes in front of it, the belt stops. Once the item is taken away, it automatically moves the belt again, bringing the cashier the next item.

So with this in mind, can someone tell me why THIS always happens:


*table moves a bit, person behind current customer slides their products back*


*same as above*


*same as above but with annoyed grunt from next customer*



Well excuse the fuck out of me, lady. First off, as I said, the belt is automatic. Second, why should I turn the belt off just for you, so you can look through your bag or purse or whatever on that SPECIFIC spot in the line? Are you paying yet? No. The person AHEAD of you is. And then, this even happens when they ARE the person paying. Only then it makes even LESS sense because by the time they step up to the front of the line, THERES A SMALL DESK THEY CAN PUT THEIR BAGS ON. THATS WHAT IT IS THERE FOR.

GOD. I am NOT out to get you. I am not stepping on a little foot pedal to make the conveyor belt move at the worst time for you. Maybe if you'd just let your bag get to the END of the belt and let the belt stop ITSELF, you wouldn't be wrestling with it!

Even better is when someone sees me ringing up products and they put down the black bar thingy to separate their order from the one I am currently working on. Fair enough. But then as I ring things up, THEY GRAB IT AND MOVE IT BACK TO SEPARATE IT ANYAYS. Well genius, if you're going to do that anyways, why bother trying to shimmy that fucking bar in there? You were just going to push all your groceries to the beginning of the belt anyways where it will travel down the line AND THEN YOU'LL DO IT OVER AGAIN.

Seriously. That black bar is there to let the cashier know anything beyond it is a new order. We are not so inept and stupid that we cant figure that out. And if you were going to move the whole thing back anyways, bar and all, why bother with the bar?

The Paranoid "THAT'S NOT MINE" Shopper

Only thing I hate worse than people going  " NO NO NONONONONONO" when they see their bag or groceries very sloooowly move to the front of the register belt is when you accidentally ring up someone else's product.

So I'm boopin' along, scanning cans and taking names, when another can of similar size and label color comes along and I accidentally scan it, or maybe it's a dog toy after scanning a long line of dog food. Whatever the case its. I scan it, and the person I'm ringing punches me in the face and screeches at me "THATS NOT MINE HOLY SHIT."

Okay, maybe they dont punch me in the face, but I've had so many people have minor heart attacks when I scan an item that isn't theirs than I care to count. They make it seem as though there is no possible way for me to just go back and DELETE the item. it's seriously just two buttons away!


"Are you sure?"


"The Universe has returned to balance..."

Calm down people. Seriously. Most stores will gladly refund you for whatever extra item you are charged, especially if they see the receipt was printed THAT DAY, or hell, if you just review your receipts before walking away, you can have it changed right then and there!

Even weirder is when the person BEHIND them flips out. "THATS MINE!!" Okay!! Geez! Dont bite my head off! What's it to you anyways? If the person ahead of you pays for it, you wont be charged extra for an item you DIDN'T want, and it's not like the store will never have this particular item that was WRONGFULLY stolen from you and given to someone else ever again...

And this is just some of the shenanigans at the register. It gets MUCH worse at other parts of the store. People are insane creatures who lack a sense of....common sense!! It's only groceries people. We have bionic body parts, space stations, phones with internet, and computers that can beat Russians at chess. I THINK it's possible for this "lowly" cashier to delete that item he accidentally scanned, and I'm sure he hopes you can figure out how the fucking conveyor belt works before you smash open someone's head the next time it moves your bag a few inches.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Shit that happens to me

I decided awhile ago I would start a blog about curious things that happen to me in every day life. Stupid crap. Random events, stupid people I meet, and the conversations I have with them. Now not all the people are stupid, but sometimes the situations are.

In my post series "Shit that happens to me" I will be recounting actual events that have actually happened to me. All events are 100% true though due to not having perfect memory, some things may be paraphrased.

Without further ado, this is how I woke up this morning:

"YOU WA SHOOOOOCK!!! AI DE SORA GA- OCHITEKURUUUUUU~~" <--- Masaki Endoh's Fist of the North Star Opening theme is my ringtone.

I roll over and pick It up: "Mmnnh..Hello?"

Woman: "Hello. Is this Joe- Hooker?" She put emphasis on spacing the names.

Me: "No ma'am this is not him. You have the wrong number."

Woman: "Is this (insert number here)?"

Me: "No ma'am, I think you dialed a similar number. Mine is only off by one digit. You probably want 2343 and not 2348"

Woman: "Oh- I'm so sorry. Please take care."

Me: "Buh-bye..."

I roll back over and go back to having my awesome dream about...shit...I cant remember what it was....But it was awesome!

About 10 minutes go by...


Me: "Hello?"

Woman: "Hi. Is this Joe Hooker?"

Me: "No ma'am, it's me again."

Woman: "Oh my god I am so sorry."

Me: "No, no, its okay..."

Woman: "Are you sure this isnt (same number again)."

Me: "Well, I'm too tired to think right now so I'm not sure what my number is, but I am not Joe Hooker. I think you were given a wrong number. Even if you're dialing it right, you're still dialing me. And since I'm not Joe Hooker, you have a wrong number."

Woman: "Oh I'm so sorry. Well you see, I'm a florist and I am in Ohio, and I am trying to mail his sister flowers and she also lives in Ohio and I'm trying to reach Joe Hooker to ask about his order. Do you know him? He lives in New Jersey?"


This is funnier if you knew before hand that I actually live in New Jersey, but even if you didnt, this changes nothing about the fact that in her mind she figures a valid prerequisite of knowing who he is talking about is simply knowing his name and what STATE he lives in.

Me: "......Sorry. I dont know who he is."

Woman: "Okay. I'm so sorry"

Me: "It's fine. Please take care"

Woman: "Bye"

Me: "Buh-bye..."

I then rolled out of bed, cursed at my knee because my cut on it still hasnt healed, and began typing this blog.

Stayed tuned till next time when I share more stories of incompetence and tom-foolery. And the worst part is, they are all true....

If you have a stupid story you'd like to share, shoot me a message at any one of my contact addresses and I'll put it up if it's especially stupid.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Aw yeah! Sweet new blog!

Yeah so I started a blog like every other schmuck on the internet. Does that make me a schmuck? Hell no. it means I've got shit to say you should all listen to because I know my shit. For instance, I'm pairing up with Dr. Butler of Hidden Gems at and you should all read his shit cuz it's damn funny and you might learn a thing or two about vidjya games in the process that you didnt know about, like how to play a game about a Russian dog that eats subway goer's food droppings.

 If that shit dont get your cock rock hard, you've got a serious shard of lard in your heart, I'd bet all my cards. This just became a rap, but I dont listen to that crap. So just shut ya traps while I drop mad facts. Don't stop to go fap. I got mad game skills, and knowledge to boot. I'm gunna drop mad INT on you, like yo' mind was on @autoloot. Bustin mad rhymes with no stoppin sign. Play yo cards right, we might review some BURGER TIME.

Note to self: Dont ever rap again.

Also note: I have not made any plans to official review, nor drop mad knowledge on anyone about the game Burger Time...